To my potential donors,

Thank you so much for the incredible gift you are offering via your donation. Learning about embryo adoption has become a beacon of hope, and I’m so grateful that there are those as selfless as you are, willinging to share their good fortune with such generosity.

It would take an entire novel to tell you everything I want to, but I hope that through this letter and those from my friends and family, you’ll get to know me well enough to be confident in our match. I’ll share the details of my journey — the hope, the heartache, the endurance of it all; I’ll introduce you to my family and some of my favorite people, tell you a bit about my interests and my career, and try to paint a picture of a day in my life.

If I succeed in nothing else, I hope to make clear just how excited I am to be a mom — to nurture and raise my children with unconditional love and endless support; to show them how beautiful this world can be, and ensure they know how much they were wanted by everyone that played a part in their creation.

My childhood and family

One of the reasons I’ve always wanted to be a mom is because I was raised by the absolute best parents in the world — two individuals who, still best friends and married today, showed me what it is to love and be loved. My childhood was filled with whimsy and joy, fostered by boundless imagination. Every birthday was enchanting (at age 7, I woke up to my dad placing me in a bathtub filled with balloons); every Christmas was magical (my dad, a volunteer firefighter, had Santa come to our house via firetruck one year); and nearly every Friday night was reserved for pizza, board games, and a family movie.

As a suburban 90s kid, my summer days were occupied by day camp and lemonade stands, and the evenings by playing Flashlight Tag and Ghost-in-the-Graveyard with the neighborhood kids. As somewhat of a tomboy, I tried desperately to keep up with my older brother and his friends. I stargazed with my dad, contemplating the origins of our universe and our place in it, and went on Girl Scout trips with my mom, who despite being on our school board, president of the PTA, and owning her own business, somehow always found time to attend every piano recital, every softball game, and every school play. I daydreamed of being an astronaut, a lawyer, a filmmaker and an author — but while my answer to the question “what do you want to be when you grow up?” was always changing, one thing that always stayed the same was the fact that I would also be a mom.

If there’s one thing that irked my feminist mother about me when I was growing up, it was definitely my affinity for baby dolls. I imagine she wanted to encourage me to dream bigger — to make sure I knew I could do anything I set my mind to. Playing “house” and cradling my Baby Born doll might have seemed to her like I was falling victim to society’s plan to nurture little girls into future wives and mothers; but what I can see now — so clearly — is that I had the best role model: a mother who was professionally successful, financially independent, an activist in her community, and still incredibly present in her children’s lives. Why wouldn’t I have wanted to be just like her? And so, when she wouldn’t buy me the latest baby doll that I wanted, I would sneak bags of dried lentils or split peas from her pantry and dress them up in diapers and doll clothes, like the totally adorable literal weirdo that I was.

Present day, I am still extremely close with my parents and my brother — in fact, my parents live in the second unit of the house I purchased six years ago. My brother, a short drive away, regularly visits for pizza, board games, and family movie nights. As much as I want to be a mom, I want just as badly for my parents to be Grandma and ‘Pa, and for my brother to be Uncle. These three will be ever present, immediate family in my children’s lives, and for that, my future kiddos couldn’t be luckier.

My relationship status

As I write about family, you may be wondering why I am embarking on this journey as a prospective single parent — whether I couldn’t find a partner, if I’m still looking for one, and what that might mean for my future children. The simple truth is that as much as I’ve daydreamed about being a mother, I’ve never daydreamed about being someone’s partner or wife. It took me a bit too long to realize that every date I went on in my twenties was not in search of a potential soulmate, but rather in search of a potential father to my future kids. But, I did figure it out, eventually. I figured out that I enjoy being single — and I’m good at it. I am financially independent, professionally successful, great at solo travel, and blessed to sleep right down the middle of my king-sized bed (when my beloved cat, Zooey, allows me the luxury, that is). Who knows — someday I might meet someone who makes me rethink my single status; but, I do know that it will never be at the expense of my children’s stability or happiness.

My village

Without a doubt, I’m far from being alone. In addition to my immediate and extended family, I have the most wonderful group of best friends who have become my chosen family. Some of them have been in my life since we were kids, some since college, and others have joined me on my journey more recently. Among my favorite people in the world is my group of three girlfriends who have been my “besties” since freshman year of college — we get together at least once a month just to hang. I feel incredibly fortunate to be “Auntie” to several of their little ones, and I’m so hopeful I’ll be able to add to our growing group of the next generation.

Another best friend from college, M., recently moved to the same town as me. Having him close by has been such a gift. We like to go to the movies, host barbecues, try new restaurants, and are always looking for something fun and creative to do — like take a pottery class (where I learned I’m horrible at the wheel), or go to the county fair to willingly lose too much money on rigged carnival games. While I love to travel and often take solo road trips or even European tours, M. and I often take trips together, as well; we’ve been everywhere from Disney World to Mexico to Paris. He’ll be coming with me and my kids on my future family vacations, for sure.

My home setup

In 2018, I purchased a historic, Victorian, two-family house in an adorable small town. Shortly after, my parents downsized from the house I grew up in and moved into my second unit. Though I didn’t speak my intention aloud at the time, purchasing this house for myself and my parents was the first step in building my future family. I have daydreamed about the treehouse my dad will build for his first grandchild (just like the one he built for me, I hope). In my mind, I’ve painted and repainted the guest bedroom as a baby’s nursery. I can’t decide between Winnie the Pooh and Where the Wild Things Are for the theme, but I know my giant collection of Beanie Babies will be on display.

During the pandemic, I converted the unfinished attic above my detached garage into a studio apartment, which now serves as my home office (I call it the “Gattic”). Working from home has afforded such flexibility with my schedule, and allowed me to spend even more time doing the things I love. I have breakfast with my parents almost every single day on my way to work (the 30 second walk across my yard…), and dinner with them several nights a week, as well. I feel so fortunate to have their company and support, and my children will, too. Whether helping out during the first few months of motherhood when I need to sleep or shower, or babysitting when I go on “date” nights with M., or just spoiling them rotten as grandparents are supposed to do, I know my parents will ensure that my children are the luckiest grandkids in the world.

Hobbies

The Gattic isn’t just where I work, it’s also become my favorite place to hang out — a proper “she shed,” if you will. It’s where I start (and sometimes finish) endless craft projects, practice yoga (emphasis on practice), play piano (still the same Broadway show tunes from when I was 15), and write creatively (I’m currently taking online fiction writing classes). When I’m not playing or working in the Gattic, I love strolling down Main Street to window shop, tending neurotically to my growing collection of “plant babies,” and reading novels before donating them to the Little Library that my dad and I built for my front yard last summer. I also love watching new and old TV shows, not only because I love a good story, but because it’s when I get quality cuddle time with my fifteen-year-old kitten, Zooey (I know I mentioned her earlier, but she’s the cutest and deserves to be mentioned again).

My journey

Now that you know a bit about who I am, I’d love to tell you about my path to motherhood. While being a mother is something I’ve always wanted, I didn’t always think it would be possible. At the age of fourteen, I was diagnosed with PCOS and told by my doctor that it meant I would never be able to have children. For a kid who had been keeping a list of her favorite baby names since she learned how to write, this was devastating news to receive.

I poured myself into journaling and writing poetry as I mourned the loss of my future as a biological mother; but, I also knew that one way or another, I would have kids someday. I began to idolize women like Angelina Jolie, who, through adoption, were creating the families of their dreams — families that didn’t always look like what society said they should. Back then, I had no idea that such a thing as embryo adoption even existed.

I was in college before I saw an endocrinologist and learned that my PCOS did not necessarily mean I could never have children — that it might be more difficult to conceive, but it certainly wasn’t impossible. I left that doctor’s visit feeling confused and hurt for all the pain my teenage self endured, but most of all, I was hopeful. A new window to motherhood had opened — one that I could walk away from for a bit (I still had much growing up to do, after all), and come back to when I was ready.

I’ll fast forward a bit here to spare you an 87-page passage about my 20s ;-). I went to a good university and double-majored in Psychology and Journalism with a minor in Dramatic Literature. I did a work study program through America Reads, tutoring kids in math and reading. After graduation, still undecided about my next step, I became a sixth-grade teacher through the Teach For America (TFA) organization. After TFA, I decided to pursue my master’s in Library and Information Science in order to be a school librarian. I paid my way through a three-year night-school program while working in marketing at an education technology company. Spoiler alert: I never became a librarian because I fell in love with marketing, instead. Today, I have my MBA and I remotely lead a 16-person marketing organization at an HR Tech company. I absolutely love what I do and the people I get to work with.

But, life has flown by.

I woke up at the age of thirty and realized that I hadn’t taken any steps toward realizing my dream of becoming a mother. So, six years ago, my friend D. and I went to an informational session about egg freezing at a local fertility clinic. We both left that session wishing we had learned about egg freezing and IVF much earlier in life. I went back to the same clinic a few months later for my first egg retrieval, naively certain that it would only take one cycle to get enough eggs to help make my future children. I only got five eggs from that first retrieval, but I still clung to the hope that quality mattered more than quantity.

Sadly, after seven IVF retrievals, two canceled cycles, one failed IUI, and two failed embryo transfers, my journey has not yet resulted in a child. I have created a total of ten embryos, but only two were genetically normal and safe to transfer. Even as I prepared myself for potential heartbreak before each cycle, my hope couldn’t completely be dampened. However, when my last cycle resulted in no eggs being retrieved even though it looked like I might get 4 or 5, I decided it was finally time to stop. With diminished ovarian reserve and poor egg quality, the odds of creating viable embryos with my own eggs are not in my favor.

But, just like the hope my teenage self found in the prospect of adoption when I was first diagnosed as infertile, because of you, I have found hope again in the prospect of embryo adoption. I could begin to pursue traditional adoption at this juncture, and I would be incredibly honored to parent a child in need of a mother. But, in addition to adoption being a long and hard journey (especially as a single parent), deep down, I have always wanted to give birth to my children. I believe the time a baby spends in the womb is irreplaceable bonding time, and I wish for both myself and my future children to have that experience. That is why I am beyond thankful that organizations like Embryo Solutions exist, and donors like you are willing to give such a priceless gift.

Conclusion

Writing this letter has provided a wonderful moment of reflection on how fortunate I am to have such a full life. I feel truly blessed to be surrounded by so much love, security, and opportunity.

And, I have almost everything I could ask for — a warm, welcoming home with my parents nearby, a rewarding career that provides me with the resources to care for my family, the best friends anyone could ever hope for, and a wealth of joy in the hobbies I pursue. There’s only one thing missing: a child to raise, surrounded by all the love and support my village has to offer.

Thank you, once again, for considering this generous and life-changing gift. I will cherish it and the child I hope to raise, with all the love and care they deserve.

With gratitude,

L.